Upgrades

So this week was the week to catch up on my health stats with the new doctor, start new meds, finish embroidery projects, get into the last Twilight book, find a new bathing suit for Molly, and finally cut Max's hair for the ninth time. Oh yeah! ...and for Randy to get promoted to Operations Manager and get a company truck with a gas card. Weee!! What a week.

Randy was Driving the Clean Air Express bus to Santa Barbara and working in the office as the supervisor. He was promoted to work as the head manager at the Colt Office in Lompoc (no more driving buses, unless emergency). He'll take over soon after he is extensively trained. His boss got him a Dodge Durango and a gas card too. :-) That saves us a lot of money! He should be down sizing as soon as his boss gets a smaller fuel efficient vehicle. The Dodge Durango is bigger than our van! Too much car for just Randy alone.

I went to my last appointment today. I had 5 all together this week. My blood work came back normal. Good blood sugar and cholesterol, and all that junk. No results for the heart monitor test yet, I'm almost positive it's normal though. One of the appointments was for the Dietitian, She was pleasantly surprised that I already knew what to do, and what and when to eat. My problem is sticking with it. So, we made another appointment 3 months from now to see where I am with my new routine and weight. Overall I am pretty happy with the new doctor. She is a year and one day younger than me. It's nice to have a peer as my doctor. The office and staff are very lovely, clean, and overly friendly. The best part is, it's only 5 minutes away from home.

After the last appointment for a while, I finally found a decent bathing suit for Molly at K-Mart. They had some Super cute ones at Target too but I'll have to wait on that. We came home and ate lunch, then I surprised Max with a Giant Lollipop, so I could sit him down in his booster seat to FINALLY cut his hair for Summer. I have to say, I am getting pretty good at it now that I have cut it at least 9 times or more. He sat pretty still this time. He tried to duck his head and avoid the falling clumps of hair. We also had a bowl of water to keep the lollipop clean and hairless. I should have taken a before and after . :-(

I finished embroidering another apron for a friend's mom. He requested Mardi Gras colors and Fleur de Lys at the bottom of the apron. I also finished Maggie from Love and Rockets. I was in a huge rush to finish her, so she's kind of wrinkled and frayed and poorly stitched, but oh well. She doesn't have a home ...yet.

Zoloft

I woke up this morning to a question from a friend concerning Zoloft. I had mentioned on that I *heart* Zoloft, and she had been curious. So I wrote her my story.


When my daughter was about 3 years old I started having panic attacks in the middle of the night, so bad that we would go to the ER to see if I had had a heart attack. We lived in Orcutt at the time and I knew nobody, and had no friends. I was alone all day with Molly until Randy would get home in the evenings from the Post Office. My doctor prescribed Zoloft. I really didn't want to be on medication AGAIN.
Through my teens, I had tried 6 different meds trying to figure out what was "wrong"with me. I hated the feelings and the side effects I had mixed with raging hormones and high school drama. Of course back then, I wasn't stable enough to know what I needed. I felt like a robot trying all sorts of different medication and thought, "what is normal anyway?"

So I was scared to try medication again. Like you, I tried alternative things to make me better. I tried to be around my extended family more, I started exercising, but I still felt depressed and had overwhelming anxiety, and a sense of hopelessness. My husband has always been supportive and understanding and said, "maybe you should just try, it can't hurt to try it, if you don't like it, you can stop". :-)

I started taking it when Randy quit the post office and went back to Cal Poly full time. We lived with his Grandma to help her, and for her to help us live frugal while he was in school. Molly was starting
pre-school and I started to make friends with other mom's while volunteering in her class. I was more confident through those years never had a problem with social anxiety. I was out all the time with Molly's play dates and kid parties, musical theatre classes, gymnastics, we were always out doing something. Zoloft had been a blessing.

When Randy graduated, He was accepted to Masters program at an art school, that was just way too expensive even with grants and loans.
We decided to have another baby instead. Like that was a cheaper decision? I desperately wanted another baby before Molly was too old to enjoy having a sibling. I started taking prenatal vitamins, folic acid, and weaned myself off of Zoloft. During both pregnancies I was at my happiest, besides the normal irritability, and nauseousness, I felt super.

My doctor told me to be aware of my history of anxiety and to ask her anytime for medication if I thought I might need it again. I tried to fight it, of course. Being off of it for almost a year, I tried to hold off as long as I could. I didn't want to become dependent on it.

When Max was about 2 months old. it hit me hard. The anxiety was back full force. My depression was like nothing I had ever felt before. I had all the support and love all around, but I was still empty and anxious.

I fought it. I ignored it. I tried to breathe through the panic attacks. some of them I would get through, but most of them left me fleeing out the door at 2 am to get fresh air, sipping clod water slowly with Randy at my side. Finally realizing I am not going to die, just another attack.

As you know, We moved Last year in June to this duplex we are in now. I was so happy, everything was perfect all around. What could complain about? Nothing! Oh yeah, except my panic attacks were starting to be an every night and into the day while driving thing. I was losing it. I couldn't even take the kids to the park or stand in line at the grocery store. Not only was I losing more sleep, but Randy was
too. He couldn't afford to lose anymore than me since he had to wake up at odd hours to drive a buss full of passengers for many hours, and had to be alert.
I had to do something. The anxiety was crippling. My doctor
prescribed Buspar, mainly for anxiety. It worked for a while but the side effects were ridiculous and I still had a bit of depression. I continued to take it although it wasn't much help. I soon, had to wean myself off of it because of our medical insurance switch and delay and I knew I couldn't afford it.

I was off of it for a few months, almost feeling better without it. I did start to notice however that even though I was forcing myself to get out every other day to be social with the kids, even when Max was on his best behavior, I was feeling the social anxiety again.

This last week, I finally found a new doctor. She spent almost an hour with me going over my whole history. I tried to convince her that I was doing great, but, she could sense that I was still in need of medication for depression and anxiety. Again, I really didn't want to start again, but I knew, I should try.

As soon as I started it, it was as if my brain picked up back where it was a few years ago. I was doing activities with ease, even laughing left a little tickle in my tummy, like it used to. When I started to feel
stressed I recognized it and dealt with it, I didn't have heart racing anxiousness.

I know about about fearing lack of emotion. I notice that it just helps me control my emotions. It's kind of weird at first, but I realized, how much more I can accomplish without fighting my hormones and crazy ups and downs. I feel balanced.

I did conquer most anxiousness during the daytime with my embroidery hobby. But, that doesn't help all the time if you need to be out about and social with the kids. LOL


Big Hugs to you!!! and good luck! I say give it a try :-)


XXXXXXXX,
Shannon

Sweet

It's that time of the month! Yes! Cookie time. Today Molly wanted to bake cookies. We had ingredients for chocolate chip cookies, but no chips! So we decided to make them with chocolate icing on top instead. I like them this way because they make the cookie softer for some reason. Delicious. I measured all of the ingredients and Molly did all of the stirring and mixing. Max and Molly liked the beaters clean and then we baked and iced them.

I used the Ghirardelli recipe without the chips and the icing was made with the HERSHEY'S frosting recipe.




Don't worry, I am still eating healthy , I just like a little sweet sometimes and it's even sweeter baking with the kids :-)

Not sure what my point is, just rambling again

It's almost noon, in the middle of the week, 1st week of SUMMER. I have never been fond of Summer EVER I am already anxious for Autumn. I know, I am weird. It's still June Gloom here in Grover Beach, so that makes me feel better. I promised myself I would take the kids out everyday to do something fun. Realistically, that won't and hasn't happened. We went to the park the first couple of days, the next day we cleaned out drawers and closets. Today I needed to go out on my own in search of a new doctor and find a Father's Day gift for Ran. The kids stayed home while Grandma Ro watched them, because Max can't handle waiting or being in a shopping cart for more than 2 minutes.

Molly will start art classes next week, so she'll get a break from Max. He wants to be by her side constantly. I try to distract him, so she can have alone time to read or do whatever she would like to do, but Max whines and throws tantrums till he gets his way. Poor Molly is losing her patience. We are too. Is there such a thing as Summer camp for toddlers? I would love to have a routine of getting up, getting ready, eating breakfast, going on an outing, Max have a nap, we have a break, but Max's meltdowns are completely draining, leaving me irritated and exhausted by the time I am dressed. If we don't make it to the van, we'll hang out in the backyard while Max screams and whines for who knows what, annoying the retired neighbors to death. Why are my kids so miserable as babies/toddlers? We keep hoping that this will pass like it did with Molly. Molly was intense and sensitive as well. Max seems to be 5 times more, everything is intensified. I know this is common with toddlers but, I notice that even parents with toddlers don't understand why he is so intensely disagreeable. My kids are just to smart for their own good and aware that they are not being treated as older people. Poor kids inherited it from their parents. We hated being kids. Someone asked Randy once, why did you have kids if you hated being a kid? That was such a good question. Not that I don't love my kids to death or not know why we had them. Like I said before, we are doing the best we can.

Of course that question and the results of my babies behavior in the first few years hasn't completely convinced me to not have more kids. This makes Randy laugh and realize how crazy it is to be a woman like me. Wouldn't I learn? If we we had a 3 bedroom house with a yard, a steady income for the next few years or so, I would definitely be nagging and hinting at Randy more to produce another Scudder. I have baby fever already. I am nuts and I know it. It's hard to think of how hard it really was for us when we had infants. Our kids hate sleep and as infants never let us sleep for more than 2 hours at a time for the first year. Plus, Max won't go to sleep unless he is in my arms in our bed. I transfer him to his bed once he's asleep, but this process starts all over at 3 am. Of course I don't mind because I keep telling myself, "This is my last baby". I also let him have a bottle, (he refuses to hold it, he wants me to hold it) with half soy milk and water and his favorite blanket. He weaned himself from nursing and since then, has always needed the extra comfort before bed. Molly had her pacifier "paci" as her comfort till she was 3. So, I will not deny their happy comfort since so much of their life is frustrating. Blah, Blah, Blah. *realizes I've written about all of this before*

So, I am taking an embroidery break because my brain can't handle more than 2 priorities at once. I have started reading the twilight series. Yeah, laugh and make fun all you want. I don't blame you. Seriously. WTF? I inherited the books from a nice guy on CCT who wanted to donate them. I said I was interested, mostly because that's all everyone keeps talking about and I felt out of the loop. Well, except for the other sensible half of my friends making fun of it, that's what has kept me away up until now. I started reading Twilight this last Friday night and finished before the weekend was through. Monday I was determined to watch the movie. I got a couple of girlfriends together and borrowed the movie from my cousin Rachel. I knew she had to own it. When Randy came home from work Monday night I went to a friends house to watch it, feeling like I was an obsessed teen. The movie was terribly cheesy and I giggled throughout all of it. I am now starting New Moon and can't believe that I am hooked. I can't get enough of that darn beautiful Cullen Family!! What happened to me?!

Alrighty, I am done rambling for now.

Happy

I've been feeling pretty good lately. Good=not bad. I've been feeling not bad lately. I have been genuinely happy too. You can always hear my giggles, but it's hard to see the happy a lot of the time, even when I am happy. So, that's why I say this.

I have been really enjoying my hair too. That sounds funny. I want to talk about it all the time, I don't, because that would be crazy. I was trying to hold that thought in the other day when I was alone with Randy grocery shopping. I just had to blurt out " I really like my hair." Even then, I felt like such a narcissistic weirdo telling my husband. It's not that I have a new hairdo/cut/ color, I have been growing it out since last year from a very short length. I kept up that short hair for almost 5 years. 3 months after giving birth to Max, I started losing hair and had some bald patches in the front. I read that it was normal, just hormones. It was devastating to me, When I voluntarily shaved my head on a regular basis in my teens, I swore that I would never care if I lost hair. So, I was surprised I took it so hard when extra strands of it fell down the shower drain day by day. I thought it would never end. I noticed it started to thicken up and come back to life when Max was about a year and a half. I'm used to not having to brush it, so I have been letting it hang and grow slowly, hand brushing mostly. I picked up a real hairbrush this last week and and stroked it through my strong curls, making it soft and wavy. I have to tell you that this was the best feeling in the world. I couldn't get enough of it. I am now carrying a brush in my purse! That is so weird! I am catching myself taking the brush out while driving and brushing in the rear view mirror. I am an avid hair twirler too, and having brushed hair makes it even more fantastic!...and don't be surprised if and when I do decide to cut any of it, that I will use it as embroidery floss. Alright, alright enough about my hair love.

This last Sunday I received my first massage. It was a wonderful experience! Gary, the massage therapist and I agreed to barter massage for embroidery. After the massage I hurried home to start the massage logo. I finished the next day and it is now ready to be picked up. I really hope he likes it.


I am working on 4 projects currently. I have to finish 2 by this Friday for Happy's (Randy's Grandma) birthday.

Molly is anxious to start Summer and so am I. We will sign her up for a mixed media art class this weekend. It will start June 24th and go till the end of July, one day a week for 2 hrs. She'll have swimming lessons in July, still haven't decided where yet. We usually go to Avila Hot Springs. As for Max, hopefully we will have some successful playdates at the park or beach :-) I will be happy to have both kids throughout the day and not have to rush around so much. Of course, there is always a bit of rushing, but it slows down a tad on summer vacation days.
Randy has some vacation time in July, so far the only plan for that time will be a trip top San Fransisco. I don't care what we do, I just love when he is home.

My life is good, Real good.

Needlework! Needle work! I love it!

I have been doing some swapping and bartering lately. What fun!

I made this for Scotty because he promises me free tattoos for life. Don't worry, I won't be covered completely.


I made this for Ruby


Ruby made this for me


I made an embroidered, Spark Robot for Chrissy (Sorry, no pic)
She gave me these


....AND! The Phat Quarter swap was a hit too!

I made this for Twitchy Fingers (Naomi)


meaganileana (Meagan) made this for me


Soooo cool!

Now I get to work on a 10" embroidery of this image for a massage therapist. I will get a 90 minute massage in return.


....and here is something I am working on for myself
It's Maggie from Love and Rockets, the graphic novel/comic series. Someone already wants to buy her from me, not sure if I will want to part with it.

Okay, I think I have covered everything?


Molly is almost out of school for summer! Wow! 3rd grade went by fast! Time to start planning summer activities and trips, and requesting a 4th grade teacher. She and Randy camped out at Lake Lopez for the weekend, this last weekend and had a blast! Max and I spent time at Aunt T.T's with the cousin's ( Max is too crazy for camping, so we just stayed a little while :-)


When Molly and Ran came home on Sunday, Molly and I dashed to the movie theater to see UP with Aunt T.T, Uncle Joe, Grandpa Dominic, and the cousins. Great movie, but I was crying before the movie even started! The sweet little short film was a tear-jerker, well for me anyway. Then, the first 5 minutes of the movie had me balling my eyeballs out. Thanks Pixar!

We spent the rest of the evening washing camping laundry and resting. Next weekend, Randy is going Uncle Paul's graduation at UCSD. I'll be alone with the kids friday night. Hopefully Ran will be home early afternoon on Saturday.

Can I take your order?

Last night Molly told me last minute that it was going to be "What I want to be when I grow up" day. I totally forgot right after she told me, so I had no time to prepare an outfit for one of the many career choices Molly had in mind. Fortunately, Molly put together a sweet waitress outfit on her own and I helped with her hair.

I was relieved when she came out of her room all dressed and ready to go because I was busy taking Max's breakfast orders in the kitchen. He can never just have a simple breakfast. If I make waffles, he'll want chicken too. That's cool, I understand chicken and waffles can be delicious, but he'll want a side of cereal as well, and maybe some yogurt. Oh! and chips. He likes chips for breakfast. Geeez, What am I going to do with this kid?

I am excited to get out for a play date with the other tattooed SAHM's of Grover Beach this afternoon. No, we're not really a club. That would be silly.